The Scantron 8950 (A.K.A. “Lil’ Helper”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you arrived at the scantron machine with your stack of answer sheets and realized that you forgot to fill out the answer key? And where is your pencil? Hang on, because help is on the way. The 8900 may not help you remember to fill out your answer keys, but with its elegant pencil holder and built in pencil sharpener, you’ll be able to remedy that in no time.

The Scantron 9000 (A.K.A. “The Compassionate One.”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you looked out at your tired, burdened class and felt it wrong to judge them based on categories like correct and incorrect? There is another way. With the Scantron 9000, you can feed the answer sheets through and expect that no one will get under a ninety percent. While the Scantron 9000 makes the loud whirring and beeping noises you have come to expect from Scantron products, it doesn’t rely on pre-critical ideas of ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’ It leaves a few marks on the answer sheet and assigns a grade that will make your student’s day.

The Scantron 9100 (A.K.A.“The Teacher’s Assistant”) Attention, teachers! How many times have you wanted your very own assistant.to help you with your lectures? The 9100 is here to cut that lecture prep in half. Enter in your multiple choice questions or true/false – then sit back. Suppose you enter in the following scantron compatible question and answer:

Q: “Aristotle was the student of Plato”
A: True

The 9100 returns, “Good morning class. I would like to take as my theme Plato. The question is did he have a student? If so, who? Aristotle was the student of Plato. This is true. It is not a statement with any sense of falseness. Modern philosophers do not deny that Aristotle was the student of Plato. “Nobody was the student of Plato” is not true. It is false. What is true is that Aristotle was the student of Plato. Thank you. I look forward to the lectures that follow.”

The Scantron 10000 (A.K.A. “The Eliminator”) Attention, college boards! How many times have you had to waste precious time dealing with a student requesting a grade change? Consider that problem eliminated with your purchase of the Scantron 10000. When teacher student relationships are harmonious, you will find this model to be the smoothest of our Scantron machines. But when the a student complaint arises, stand back as the 10000 unit unfolds into a 6’5” fully functional Dean.

The Dean is as precise as you have come to expect from Scantron technologies. True or False, A or B. The Dean has no time for your ambiguities, nuances or grey area. The Dean will deliver justice. Is the student at fault? Was the paper in fact demonstrably plagiarized or the product of collusion? Then the Dean will issue a pink slip, which reprimands the student. Is the teacher at fault? The Dean will behead the teacher or take whatever actions deemed appropriate by your college’s board.

And finally, be sure to look for our Scantron 20000 in years to come: It will of course combine the Scantron’s 10000’s administrative abilities with mad teaching skills.

(Originally published on November 14th, 2005)