STEM CELL RESEARCH (AS IMAGINED BY ITS OPPONENTS)

I. THE HEADQUARTERS OF SCIENCE (EUROPE)

– Hand me the abortion elixir.

– But – but Master, it has yet to finish bubbling.

– What in the Darwin?! Here, hold another burning Bible below it. It usually
takes three or four.

– But why can’t we use these perfectly suitable adult stem cells? I have an
entire briefcase right here.

– Because if we cure these diseases, then we’ll be out of business for good!
That’s why!

– I’m so glad you have no common sense.

– Yes, I am extremely arrogant. I refuse to accept anything not in a textbook.

– Dolly Almighty, did you see this fax? It’s from Hollywood. A rush order for
three thousand more designer baby arms!

– Well, this is certainly the first time I’ve supported the right to bare arms!

– Oh, Master!

II. THE PLAYBOY MANSION

– Thanks for inviting me to this science sex party.

– You’re so funny. You are my sex slave that I cloned from stem cells.

– What?! That can’t be true.

– Look at your feet. You are still standing in the petri dish.

– I’m a – I’m a clone? How did you –

– I needed but a single human hair, just like in Superman IV. Movies are
completely accurate portrayals of modern science.

– Why would you do this to me?

– Because I am a scientist and it is my job to hurt people.

– This water from the Playboy Grotto – it isn’t getting me wet.

– That’s because I made you water-resistant, so you could never be baptized!
How’s that for intelligent design!

– You scientific bastard!

III. THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, BERKELEY

– We have a situation.

– What is it?

– Well, when we were growing the soulless babies for spare parts–

– Yes?

– …

– Out with it, damn it!

– Well, we found something – something science can’t explain.

– Destroy it. Destroy it, immediately.

– But Professor Luciferre –

– Immediately.