HOW TO FART IN FRONT OF YOUR BOYFRIEND
i.
hide your farts all over the house. under couch cushions, inside desk drawers. between bank statements, and behind the tv. he will find one eventually.
ii.
let them get acquainted without your presence. if you casually leave them in a room together it will give them an opportunity to familiarize themselves without relying on you to constantly accommodate them both.
iii.
go outside. pretend you smoke so you have an excuse to go outside a lot.
iv.
tell him you are made of sugar. your insides are peppermints and jujubes. your intestines are lined with fruit-roll-ups and liquorice. your liver is a jelly bean and your kidneys are coated in pixie stix. you are sweet, sweet, sweet but not all the time.
v.
or tell him you are like a plum rotting from the inside out. tell him this is a metaphor for a dark and terrible secret you have shut away inside. you will seem clever and tortured.
vi.
the average human farts fourteen times a day. the average human poos once a day. he must never know you poo.
vii.
the human skeleton is often mistaken for a bear skeleton and the only true distinction is the scent that lingers on the bones. farts you do not release are stored inside your marrow. this is why animals run from you, because you arrive in familiar shapes but dress yourself in nervous laughter and seventeen variations of the same email.
viii.
cut a lock of his hair and cook it in a broccoli casserole that you will share. he will never be able to distinguish his shampoo from your farts ever again.
ix.
fart into a jar and store it in a cool, dry place until it becomes a shimmering green orb (if it becomes a flaky violet formation you should contact your doctor immediately). give it to him on a day you want to go for ice cream and tell him that you sometimes cry when you see the mountains at sunrise and that you sing the wrong lyrics to songs on purpose. tell him you are a polaroid camera, that your memory is hazy but the laughter is still lodged behind your molars.
he will take your fart in a jar and smile because he knows all of this already. if you ask him to go for ice cream he will not turn you down.
x.
take a vacation to mexico. skype him and, after saying that you miss him for the seventh time, fart. laugh and say you farted so loudly it could be heard in two different countries. say that you are proud. you are proud. maybe your name will be in the guinness book of world records.
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This piece was originally published at Lemon Hound.