BILL HICK, SCIENCE PRICK, HOUSES ON FOOLS
Dear Mr. Hick,
I’m thirteen years old, writing from Atlanta, Georgia. My friend has a German Sheppard named Sparky. Sparky is a neutered male, but that doesn’t stop him from sometimes demonstrating some pretty gross sexual behavior. What I mean is: He likes to hump my leg. He also likes to hump my friend’s leg, and the legs of a lot of our other male buddies. So my question is: Can a dog be gay?
Billy Greeling
Atlanta, Georgia
Dear Billy,
Well this is a strange question, Billy. At first, I figured you were going to inquire why spayed or neutered animals continue to display sexual tendencies even after receiving said surgical procedures, but now I see that you are just being an uptight bigot.
Ask yourself a question, Billy: What does is matter to you who Sparky likes to hump? Animals, like humans, derive pleasure and satisfaction from a variety of sources; but, unlike humans, animals are not so worried about what their stupid little fourteen-year-old friends think about them or whatever, and so are not prone to deny themselves that which makes them happy. I think you need to take a good, long look in the mirror and sort out some pretty obvious insecurities, young man. My diploma doesn’t say “psychiatrist” on it, just as I’m sure your forehead doesn’t have “closet dog fornicator” written in 48-point, bold print across it. Grow up (and get out of the South – I hear bestiality is a pretty serious offense down there).
Freak.
Bill Hick, Science Prick
Dear Bill Hick, Science Prick,
I’m seven and I love your show! I also love your website! How did you become so smart? Sorry, that’s not my question. My question is: What is the Curly Hollis effect, exactly? Someone in my science class says it’s what makes toilets swirl when they flush, but then this other kid, Alex Nelson, who’s a real nerd, says it’s not that at all, and that it has to do with the way stuff bounces off the surface of the earth in the top and bottom parts of the earth or something. I hope that makes sense.
I really love your show!
Stephanie Holcomb
Fort Worth, Texas
Dear Stephanie,
You neanderthal. Let me explain a few things:
1. It’s not the “Curly Hollis effect”, as you so retardedly stated, but the “Coriolis effect.” The Curly Hollis effect actually originated on your mother’s side of the family. It is the diminishing repercussion on the intellect experienced by the offspring of women impregnated by male relatives. (Who’s your daddy! No, seriously, do you know?)
2. Your “nerd” classmate, Alex Nelson, is correct, and “someone in [your] science class” is even dumber than you are. The Coriolis effect refers to an object’s inclination to deflect (or spin) one way or another in a given rotating frame of reference, as first demonstrated many years ago by Léon Foucault and his fantastic pendulum, which I won’t even attempt to get into with the likes of you. As far as the whole toilet thing goes, let me just say I’m flabbergasted your family has indoor plumbing.
3. “Top and bottom parts of the earth”? Say what you will about public education, but that is simply inexcusable terminology. How old are you, seven?
4. You should have been aborted.
Thanks for writing.
Bill Hick, Science Prick
Dear Bill Hick,
Hello. My name is Joshua. I am thirteen. I don’t get very good grades all the time, but I really like science. It is my strongest subject. (I got a C last semester!) Anyway, I know this isn’t really a “science” question, but do you think I have any chance of getting in to a good school and becoming a scientist like you? I hope so.
Your biggest fan,
Joshua Greene
Fresno, California
Dear Joshua,
Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “scientist” a very certain way, you can spell the word “moron”?
That should keep you busy for the next forty years. Good luck in sanitation!
Bill Hick, Science Prick
Dear Bill Hick,
My name is Veronica and I am writing from Omaha, Nebraska. I am mother to three beautiful, God-fearing daughters, and wife to a wonderful, hard-working husband. I am quite humbled each day when I realize the gifts which God has given me.
Recently, in Lincoln, you held what many presumed would be a family-oriented lecture covering various topics. Imagine my dismay – and that of all other pious Nebraskans in attendance – when you veered from otherwise benign material and recklessly refocused your attention toward the opening passage from the Good Book (Genesis 1:1):
In [the] beginning, God created the heavens and earth.
After reading this quote, you went on to make many blasphemous remarks insinuating that God, in fact, did not create “the universe”, as you so arrogantly called it, but that some sort of large “bang” or some such crock was the actual progenitor to all of life as we know it. In short, Mr. Hick, you contradicted the very essence of the Bible.
So, Mr. Science Prick, on behalf of countless other offended individuals, my question is this: Who are you to contradict the Bible? It might not mean much to a man of your ilk, but I will tell you quite gravely, sir, that for many good Americans, the Bible is TRUTH. Not science, the BIBLE! How dare you challenge THE TRUTH!
Shame on you, Bill Hick! I will pray for your soul.
Veronica Hastings
Omaha, Nebraska
Dear Veronica,
I can’t help but agree with you on this one. I was out of line, insensitive to the beliefs of others, and, most importantly, I was sinful. Please forgive my transgression, and know that I am eternally grateful that you have offered to pray for me.
In fact, in the spirit of quid pro quo, I bestow a gift upon you, Veronica. You will soon receive in the mail a pair of brand new crutches, as God is tired of your use of Him in this fashion. So do me a fucking favor: Find some free will, then run back to church and tell God you don’t need Him anymore. Why? Because you just got HOUSED ON by Bill Hick, the Science Prick. I am your god now, Veronica.
Moded, biotch!
Bill Hick, Science Prick