By Matt Sullivan

Matt Sullivan’s humor has appeared in Salon, McSweeney’s, The Onion and Black Book.

THE CHIMERA FILES: WHEN DOGGIE MET KITTY (PUN HEAVY VERSION)

“Woman Claims Puppies Were Born To Cat; Says Neighborhood Mutt Impregnated Feline“-Reuters Doggy: Before Ms. Pretty Kitty? I ran with a tough pack of stray dogs. I was always out chasing tail—usually my own. Kitty: In my strict Siamese family, we were discouraged from dating outside the breed—never mind outside the species! Doggy: When I first saw her, my heart went into heat—but she thought I was just in it for the chase. Kitty: I was like, “Down boy! You’re barking up the wrong family tree.” I don’t want to be anybody’s weird fetish-I am not into “kitty porn.” I…

STOP ANIMAL VIOLENCE NOW!

Dear Animal Empathizer, It’s a scene that’d be shocking if it wasn’t all too common: An innocent baby seal is stalked, murdered, its skull crushed, its bloodied body used and abused for nefarious purposes. But the perpetrator of this heinous hate crime isn’t a furrier or poacher, protected from punishment by a right-wing “population control” zealot: This serial killer of seals is a polar bear, and it’s being protected by you. Animal Wrongs. It’s the taboo topic we in the animal rights movement never dare discuss-too radical even for the radicals. Yet animal on animal violence kills more creatures each…