Hey, bro. Hey. What’s up? Not much. You? Not much. Just had a burrito. Cool. Yeah. … … Was it good? Was what good? The burrito. Oh, right. Yeah, it was. Cool. Yep. … … What kind burrito was it? Veggie. Cool. Yeah, it was a pretty cool burrito, bro. Where’d you get it? Get what? The burrito. Oh, right. I got it at Gary’s party. Gary had a party? Yep. It just ended. Was a blast. I didn’t hear anything about it. You didn’t? No. Hmm. I was wondering why you weren’t there. Why didn’t Gary invite me? Oh,…

I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics again this year. What’s a guy got to do to win that thing? I was made to win that prize, but for like the umpteenth time in a row I’ve been given the shaft. Annoying! Who cares if I’m not a physixcist or however you spell it? I’ve been doing lots of cool physics-type stuff forever and deserve some recognition and money. Since a teenager I’ve done this kick-ass trick where I put a quarter in each of the palms of my hands and then I quickly slam my hands down against…

* * * (REPRINTED FROM ISSUE ONE, APRIL 11th, 2005)

Wut up, tortoise? You think you’re all that ’cause you can swim really well and stuff? Well, sorry to disappoint you, son, but I can swim really well, too. Sucka. I need to wear water wings, on account I’m scared of deep water, but that’s still swimming. So bite me, fool. Ooo, shark, what big sharp teeth you have! Too bad four out of five dentists think you’re a doophis. Boo-ya! “Arf! Arf! Look at me: I’m a big fat sea lion! I can wave hello with my big fat flipper and spin a beach ball on my big fat…