– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Do not panic. Remain calm. A level head is key in any doppelganger situation. There’s no reason to assume that your doppelganger is harboring nefarious intentions without first considering all the possibilities. Is it possible that your doppelganger is simply a dead ringer? A good three out of five doppelgangers are nothing more than harmless people who, due to the random nature of genetics, resemble you exactly. If this is the case, perhaps the two of you can come to some sort of mutually beneficial agreement. (For example: Have you any need for an alibi…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – – – – There once was a young man named Darwin Who spent five years tossed to the far wind He wrote a book for his peers After only twenty short years And now he’s as pop as George Carlin. They say we all came from a monkey But I say that theory is bunky Because as anyone knows Who talks with creationist pros That some people are closer to donkey. Asked the petrified School Board of Kansas: “I wonder why everyone slams us?” The answer it seemed As if from space it were beamed…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Last weekend, Candace, Will and I visited my mother. And, while I was there, I realized I was very tired. Granted, I had not slept well the night before, but it suddenly occurred to me that I am often tired when I visit my mother. Then, on the way home, it also occurred to me that I often feel tired when Candace and I visit her father or mother. I brought this up to Candace. I asked her if she thought I had some kind of problem. “Have I developed a mental association with our…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – 1. A chemical microbiologist, a pathologist and a clown are flying in a small commuter plane between Kansas City and Omaha. Halfway there, the plane bursts into flames and the pilot bails out. The passengers discover there are only two parachutes. Which one dies? 2. 1,4-dihydro-2,6-dimethyl-4-(2-nitrophenyl)-3,5-pyridinedicarboxylic acid dimethyl ester walks into a bar. On the stools next to it are a leprechaun, a unicorn, and Santa Claus. The bartender has a keg of Guinness, a bag of oats, and a plate of cookies behind the counter. He says to the newcomer, “These three regulars beside…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – The Scantron 8950 (A.K.A. “Lil’ Helper”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you arrived at the scantron machine with your stack of answer sheets and realized that you forgot to fill out the answer key? And where is your pencil? Hang on, because help is on the way. The 8900 may not help you remember to fill out your answer keys, but with its elegant pencil holder and built in pencil sharpener, you’ll be able to remedy that in no time. The Scantron 9000 (A.K.A. “The Compassionate One.”). Attention, teachers! How many times have you…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Physics again this year. What’s a guy got to do to win that thing? I was made to win that prize, but for like the umpteenth time in a row I’ve been given the shaft. Annoying! Who cares if I’m not a physixcist or however you spell it? I’ve been doing lots of cool physics-type stuff forever and deserve some recognition and money. Since a teenager I’ve done this kick-ass trick where I put a quarter in each of the palms of my hands and then I quickly…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Jack and Jill went up the hill. To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown. And Jill came tumbling after. First of all, we are not sure there’s enough clarity in this text. Scientific literature, in particular, should leave little room for confusion. Where exactly did Jack fall down? Into the well? A little ways down the hill? All the way down the hill? It’s just too vague. Worst still, we’re not convinced that the science conducted is of high enough caliber. I mean really, who would be stupid enough…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – The recent popularity of math and science based plays and movies, such as “Proof”, “A Beautiful Mind”, and “Copenhagen”, has catalyzed the recovery of lost plays from famous mathematicians and scientists themselves. Below is the complete text of “To Teach the Calculus,” which was recently “recovered” from the notebooks of Max Planck. After winning his Nobel Prize in 1918 for work in radiation physics, Planck explored a variety of other fields. This is his only known foray into the theater. Planck had a reputation as a difficult and demanding teacher among the students at the…

– FROM THE ARCHIVE – Chicken Pox This is the Frank Sinatra of animal-themed sicknesses. A timeless classic, although the younger generations might not appreciate it. I remember fondly going to a Fourth of July Parade as a child, just recovering from the pox, and my mom not letting me look around too much lest other parents see my pox and get upset for contaminating everyone else. I also have a few choice scars from the ol’ poxy. Drawback: Some children are getting ‘vaccinated’ for this. Wimps. Avian Flu While this is the hot disease of the moment, it still…